For the first time ever, I’m taking my birthday off. In previous years, I’ve always loved celebrating my day with my friends and coworkers. What’s the fun in taking the day off (on your birthday) if no one else can spend it with you? Even while I’ve taken trips or celebrated on the weekends, I never took the work day off. That is, until this year.

I’d be lying to you if I said I had a particular joyous birthday last year in the pandemic. My birthday happened to fall at the beginning of it as in, the period of time where no one left their house, saw each other, and San Francisco neighborhoods were a ghost town outside. Despite gifts and multiple video chats that day, it wasn’t the same. I knew this year a birthday would also feel like every other work day so how do we solve for it? Try something different.

Not only am I taking my birthday off, but I’m taking a whole four work days off! In pandemic times, it isn’t easy to take time off because nothing seems worthy of doing so. And honestly, staycations don’t hit the same. While I may not be doing much, it’s totally beats having a normal work day and I’d rather be spending time doing what I want. Even though it’s completely approved by my manager, we still feel like we’re playing adult hooky.

After some time, the excitement of anniversaries kind of wears off. It’s the reason why some of us either love or hate our birthdays. I started to feel this way beginning last year because after you celebrate a milestone of 10 years, where do you go from there? The 11th anniversary is awkward and the 12th anniversary means you’ve been doing this for far too long.

My winter break this year from day-to-day work was filled to the brim with even more outside work. Every day we were pushing out content to Instagram, TikTok, and this blog to the point of doing that for two weeks straight had me burnt out. I had made a decision before that though that I would spend the following two weeks after pulling back. I cut off the Instagram Stories arm and while it wasn’t a full social media detox, just one portion of it made a difference.

For years, I had been so used to daily postings covering various aspects of my life both work and personal. Cutting it off cold turkey wasn’t easy though. Shortly after my break from posting started, something came across my way. Instead, Instagram decided to flag me for hate speech (my first ever!) I later verified with Elisa that what I was posting was not really hate speech and that we’ve both seen worse examples on the platform. Regardless, this was the sign that I needed. The universe said STOP.

Over the holidays, I caught a segment on Aimee Song’s IG where she was answering questions from her followers. When someone mentioned that they were just starting a blog and asked for advice on how to build a following, Aimee said “Don’t.” She said unless you already have a following, don’t put your energy into that and instead redirect it to a platform like Instagram or TikTok where you can even gain free free tiktok followers. Though this wasn’t directed at me nor was I in the same position, I felt a wave of discouragement. So much so that I reached out to Elisa and Veronica at the same time and asked “Are blogs dead?!” This was the year that I was crafting what I believed to be some of my most important writing pieces. Would it be for nothing?

I’d be lying to you if I said this didn’t impact me for days afterwards. I had to have a serious moment with myself wondering if it was not only a) worth it to continue, but b) could my life be okay without all of this? From time to time, Veronica is the voice of reason in my head. “Remember why you started.” When we began, this was never about being viral, getting fame or reaching influencer status. If that came, we would welcome it and learn how to navigate, but for years we were content just putting things out there.

On the flip side, my absence from the online world didn’t go unnoticed. Some even reached out to be to ask if I was okay because they hadn’t seen any activity from me. We’ve been doing this for so long that something has to be wrong if I’ve gone quiet. While well-intentioned, that idea also didn’t sit well with me. There may come a day where we walk away from all of this completely. I actually got a taste of that for two weeks while I was away and it wasn’t so bad. As I look ahead to 2021 and our 12th year, I’m reminding myself that I can only do this for as long as it makes me happy. When that joy is no longer there, it’s time to say goodbye.

For those of you who are still with us, as always, thank you! I have so much gratitude for those that continue reading my words and find value in my posts.

While many of my friends turned towards bread baking at the start of the pandemic, I made a beeline for pastries. I’d buy more than I could finish, but I couldn’t help myself. I’ve always turned towards food as a way of comfort. In Asian cultures, food is our love language and rejecting it at any time is considered offensive. As I go through my Instagram and choose photos I want to share from my daily life, I’m realizing even some of the more mediocre photos of nothing actually mean something. Though small, they tell some sort of a story.

There were days in a row where I wouldn’t leave my house. On the rare occasion that I did, [Whole Cakes] would be a stop. Often times, that would be the highlight of a few days I had. I wasn’t at the bakery for more than 10 minutes, but I enjoyed selecting the pastry that I would have for breakfast upon returning to my home. Then I would pick out my afternoon snack and the slice of cake I’d have for dessert. It was a whole event. On one occasion, I went to Whole Cakes to pick out a box of assorted pastries for my brother and his roommates to share because picking them out for myself just wasn’t enough.

My thoughts wouldn’t process about why I was doing the things that I was, but it was clear what I wanted. I was seeking a normal activity during abnormal times. I could be buying anything from my pre-pandemic life, but pastries filled a void in addition to my own stomach. There’s something about a delightfully small treat that can make your days better. I’d go on to repeat this same activity every few weeks. The day that I crossed the barrier into being a regular felt like some sort of achievement. Wins like this were few and far in between during a pandemic.