Every time I think of crying in front of strangers, I think of that one episode of “How I Met Your Mother” where Robin talks about crying on the subway and not giving a damn. This has only happened to me once before. I was in Salt Lake City for a weekend. My two friends had just been with me at the airport, but they were at another gate headed to another flight on their way back home to Seattle. We had flown to the hometown of our other friend to say goodbye to him along with his other friends and family. The weekend went by and I couldn’t bring myself to cry once. It wasn’t until I got to my own gate and had called a friend that I was starting to go through that grieving process. Every moment from the weekend replayed in my head and there I was, at a full gate, crying and not giving a damn. I was 23 and attending my first funeral for my friend. I think about this moment often because it’s one that I don’t ever feel like I can explain. Is there a name for this kind of crying? Why does crying in front of strangers feel so much worse than crying in front of those that know you?
The second time this ever happened to me happened this week. I am still processing it and I definitely didn’t think I would write about this in a post. I had signed up for a volunteer opportunity and in the middle of an exercise I found myself in tears standing in front of nearly 75 people currently incarcerated. Going into the exercise, I wasn’t expecting to cry and then in an instant, I felt overwhelmed and a wave of anxiety coming over me. As much as I tried to stop it or hide it, I couldn’t. I even physically tried to hide behind my friend Pat, but couldn’t avoid how exposed I felt. I couldn’t name those feelings that I felt when I cried in front of strangers that first time, but this time it was embarrassment and guilt. What I didn’t expect to happen afterwards was that those who had seen me in this moment thanked me for my honesty and vulnerability. I didn’t know how to acknowledge it or maybe I didn’t want to because that would mean I was admitting that I was so visibly crying, but it happened anyways and I was painfully awkward.
In a few weeks, I’ll share more thoughts on the experience I had and a little about the “why,” but for now will just leave you with this. At the end of the day, I am okay. And even well into my adult life, I still can’t speak to my emotions as clearly as I thought I would be able to.