The scale in my bathroom appeared broken this morning and I had two choices to make. Do I throw it out or do I throw it out and replace it? The whole thought process went down in the shower. It made me think of a recent episode of “The Bold Type.” Sutton and Jane are best friends and roommates, but in a previous life, Sutton used to shoot recreationally. After discovering that her gun was in their apartment, Jane was naturally, uncomfortable and wanted it gone. The best friends go back and forth, but one thing Jane asks Sutton is “have you ever thought of why you’re trying so hard to keep it?”

About six months ago, Mandi was over and we had a chat about the scale. She encouraged me to get rid of it and while she didn’t ask me “why” I was trying so hard to keep it, I realized I didn’t have a good answer as to why I needed to. I’ve always grown up with having a scale in my bathroom; even in my family home. Because it’s something that I’m used to – is that a reason to keep it? If I’m being honest, I just wasn’t ready to let it go.

About ten years ago, I was in college and going in for a yearly checkup. The doctor told me that I was “severely underweight.” I didn’t bother to really look into what that meant, but I took it as I’m not where I’m supposed to be for my age range. What I know is that I was in another flight or fight situation. My reaction upon hearing that was to give myself a number. This was the number that I decided then that I would never go over for my weight. I never did. I embraced being small and enjoyed it.

Friends and family that spend time with me know that I love food, but sometimes this disorder isn’t just about food and pounds. It’s about control and it’s very much a mental thing. My scale was a part of my daily life and I held onto it for so long like a crutch. It wasn’t just a scale. It was the tool that let me know if I was right on track or not. I’ve been thinking about the scale all day and it’s still sitting in my bathroom awaiting its fate. I just thought of another option. Keep the broken scale exactly where it is.