Before we were in official pandemic lockdown, I was in an Uber where my driver was speaking to myself and another passenger about the coronavirus and how it originated because people in China eat “weird things.” It was late in the evening. I was tired and as uncomfortable as I felt, I didn’t have the energy to engage with racism. When do we ever have the energy for these types of conversations that happen over and over again? Sitting in the front seat I wondered if I had clapped back, what would happen to me? He clearly knew I was Asian when I entered the vehicle, was he testing me? What are the odds that we engage in a civilized conversation where we hear each other out vs. something that escalated further?

Too often in my life, I feel like I’m forced to make a choice. Do I want my voice or do I want my safety? As I read all of these [anti-racism posts] from other Asians and the statements they’ve put out, I think back to online bullies behind the screen. You can be tough behind a screen because of some anonymity. You can also be brave with your words behind a screen, but when faced with a real life moment, can you show up in the same way? In the last year, I am 0/2 on anti-asian racism directed at me.

I spend a lot of energy reflecting on these two moments. I replay moments like these in my head for no good reason other than wondering what could’ve happened that specific day if I had spoken up. I wonder if someday I’ll have a redemption moment – one in which I fight back with my words against racism or shut someone down so quickly they feel defeated or better yet embarrassed. My previous history doesn’t say much for my chances in this, but I remain hopeful.

Everyone wants to be the person that can have a quick comeback in any situation. Instead, these moments remind me of a more painful childhood. They were wasted years of being the punching bag for anti-asian jokes and hurtful racism. Why did I desire popularity so much and why did having friends feel like currency? The more I had, the richer my life became. If my friends laughed, so did I. But if your friends are laughing at you, you have to force your own laughter. I couldn’t afford to be friend-less so my only option was to continue to take it. Laugh it off and remind myself that it will end soon and hope that eventually we’ll all find something else to laugh at. Adult me knows better. If this ever happened to me now, I wouldn’t waste my time, but younger me was young and vulnerable. Having friends means you’re like everyone else. You blend in – it’s the thing that many of us have so desperately desired as Asian Americans.

Among friends, I’ve been referred to as “the easy target.” It was the response I got when I would ask “Why I’m being picked on” or questioning if we were actually friends? “Of course we are, you’re just an easy target”. Made to sound endearing, how silly of me to think that it was something negative when the attention was on me. As I see and hear this phrase now as the rationale between why [our elderly Asian are being murdered] and attacked, these words are piercing and painful. The label of “easy target” carried into my adult life, and has now spread to our entire race. 

Though I feel very far from my childhood, [these string of recent attacks] remind me of the mental and emotional pain that I endured for many years. As an Asian American adult in my 30s, I feel scared and once again, small and weak. It’s the thing as of late that has put a target on our backs and fed into these harmful stereotypes. I hate this because Asian people are not weak and as we have seen in the last week, [they are resilient] and not afraid to fight back. 

The sentiment is well-intentioned. Use your platform, use your voice, educate the people you know. However, there’s something else that’s not being said that deserves empathy and understanding. Those that are being impacted by these events are silent because we have had to be silent for a long time – sometimes for survival. Not all of us are ready to open these wounds yet and we need to allow space and time for people to get there. I understand the urgency in this moment right now, but we can’t force anyone. We all process on our own time. 

I’m supposed to end my posts with a call to action. If there’s something you take away from this please know that this period of time where Asians have to constantly defend themselves against violence, hate crimes, and hate speech is hard for us. Some people may be like me and are more comfortable thinking a bit longer about things and being intentional that you miss your opportunity to act. It’s not always intentional, but a learned habit. If you are someone that witnesses – sees or hears any POC being attacked and you feel safe to do so, please step in. Speak up or use yourself physically to create space between the targeted and the attacker. That is allyship.

Author’s Note: This is my own personal narrative, I do not want to make assumptions about others’ experiences, pain, or trauma nor generalize the Asian American experience as a whole. I hoped to share a piece of myself and my story with you while understanding that everyone’s experience is unique despite the common thread of being Asian.

Resources to support Asian Americans:

• [Stop AAPI Hate]
• [Act to Change]
• [Stand Against Hatred]
• [Asian American Collective]

For the first time ever, I’m taking my birthday off. In previous years, I’ve always loved celebrating my day with my friends and coworkers. What’s the fun in taking the day off (on your birthday) if no one else can spend it with you? Even while I’ve taken trips or celebrated on the weekends, I never took the work day off. That is, until this year.

I’d be lying to you if I said I had a particular joyous birthday last year in the pandemic. My birthday happened to fall at the beginning of it as in, the period of time where no one left their house, saw each other, and San Francisco neighborhoods were a ghost town outside. Despite gifts and multiple video chats that day, it wasn’t the same. I knew this year a birthday would also feel like every other work day so how do we solve for it? Try something different.

Not only am I taking my birthday off, but I’m taking a whole four work days off! In pandemic times, it isn’t easy to take time off because nothing seems worthy of doing so. And honestly, staycations don’t hit the same. While I may not be doing much, it’s totally beats having a normal work day and I’d rather be spending time doing what I want. Even though it’s completely approved by my manager, we still feel like we’re playing adult hooky.

After some time, the excitement of anniversaries kind of wears off. It’s the reason why some of us either love or hate our birthdays. I started to feel this way beginning last year because after you celebrate a milestone of 10 years, where do you go from there? The 11th anniversary is awkward and the 12th anniversary means you’ve been doing this for far too long.

My winter break this year from day-to-day work was filled to the brim with even more outside work. Every day we were pushing out content to Instagram, TikTok, and this blog to the point of doing that for two weeks straight had me burnt out. I had made a decision before that though that I would spend the following two weeks after pulling back. I cut off the Instagram Stories arm and while it wasn’t a full social media detox, just one portion of it made a difference.

For years, I had been so used to daily postings covering various aspects of my life both work and personal. Cutting it off cold turkey wasn’t easy though. Shortly after my break from posting started, something came across my way. Instead, Instagram decided to flag me for hate speech (my first ever!) I later verified with Elisa that what I was posting was not really hate speech and that we’ve both seen worse examples on the platform. Regardless, this was the sign that I needed. The universe said STOP.

Over the holidays, I caught a segment on Aimee Song’s IG where she was answering questions from her followers. When someone mentioned that they were just starting a blog and asked for advice on how to build a following, Aimee said “Don’t.” She said unless you already have a following, don’t put your energy into that and instead redirect it to a platform like Instagram or TikTok where you can even gain free free tiktok followers. Though this wasn’t directed at me nor was I in the same position, I felt a wave of discouragement. So much so that I reached out to Elisa and Veronica at the same time and asked “Are blogs dead?!” This was the year that I was crafting what I believed to be some of my most important writing pieces. Would it be for nothing?

I’d be lying to you if I said this didn’t impact me for days afterwards. I had to have a serious moment with myself wondering if it was not only a) worth it to continue, but b) could my life be okay without all of this? From time to time, Veronica is the voice of reason in my head. “Remember why you started.” When we began, this was never about being viral, getting fame or reaching influencer status. If that came, we would welcome it and learn how to navigate, but for years we were content just putting things out there.

On the flip side, my absence from the online world didn’t go unnoticed. Some even reached out to be to ask if I was okay because they hadn’t seen any activity from me. We’ve been doing this for so long that something has to be wrong if I’ve gone quiet. While well-intentioned, that idea also didn’t sit well with me. There may come a day where we walk away from all of this completely. I actually got a taste of that for two weeks while I was away and it wasn’t so bad. As I look ahead to 2021 and our 12th year, I’m reminding myself that I can only do this for as long as it makes me happy. When that joy is no longer there, it’s time to say goodbye.

For those of you who are still with us, as always, thank you! I have so much gratitude for those that continue reading my words and find value in my posts.